I won't call it love
by CrackonKappacumbers
Summary: Izaya takes a minute to make a monologue about his feelings for Shizuo. Izaya's a man who uses the words hatred and love as they are two sides of the same coin, both of the strongest feelings in this man's heart. So izaya may have confessed to shizuo before grad and then shizuo rejected him and unrequited love feelings happen, shizaya. r&r for angst suffering izaya, for abyss -kl


**Izaya what did you do to my underwear? :C**

 **ANGSTY IZAYA COMING YOUR WAY**

 **for abyss**

 **One day in the land of Ikebukuro a lonely Izaya takes a minute to make a monologue about his feelings for Shizuo**

 **kind of like 'what is love, but hate me if it makes you feel good.'**

 **Raijin ish days kind of after graduation, grad third years ish**

 **ish I don't know, Shizuo's already knows Vorona, as a school mate**

 **and they both already started to work for Tom so like debt trio in place in this au**

 **now we have quiet angsty battle inside Izaya**

 **and the two haven't really talked to each other since then and now it's been a few/several months after that**

 **and shizuo's thinking about it. But what's today's main course is Izaya questioning about his feelings.**

 **nonsense kappaing aside** , to the story of Izaya Orihara, a man who uses the words hatred and love as they are two sides of the same coin, both of the strongest feelings in this man's heart.

 **LOVE** **/ləv/**

 **noun**

an intense feeling of deep affection.

a person or thing that one loves.

 **verb**

feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

 **Love, loving, to love.**

Izaya ponders the real meaning of the word love, the way it's always used so loosely, and why even he is willing to lie and say he loves someone, when he says he loves humanity, when really, he doesn't.

"Nonsense, I love all humans, but not monsters, I hate them."

Now all of his thoughts of a certain blonde flow through his head as he's in the city of where it all starts.

In Ikebukuro.

The city of twisted LOVE.

 **(first point of view of Izaya in his mind of thoughts about Shizuo)**

You know humans, love is a word you say loosely;

A sickening declaration spewed meaninglessly to one another, to lessen someone's pain or to get into their pants.

They're are so many things I'd like to call you Shizu-chan, **brute** and **monster** being only two of the millions in my head.

But **disgusting** seems to be the the term that's burns on my tongue today.

It stays stuck on my lips as you pass by, ignoring me and I have to clench my fists and bite my tongue.

It was the same thing back then.

 _Disgusting._

I feel it crawl towards, filling me with disgust.

I'm not even sure you see my glare.

The stupid Russian woman's head always seems to get in the way.

Oh, I know she doesn't want you, but I'm pretty sure you don't.

No one really **wants** you, and you're so stupid not to realize it.

 _ **'You're mine.**_

 _ **I don't care if they love you.**_

 _ **Cherish your existance.**_

 _ **Hug you.**_

 _ **Kiss you.**_

 _ **Even make passionate love to you.**_

 _ **I will come when they least expect it.**_

 _ **And cut their pretty hearts out.**_

 _ **Why?**_

 _ **Because you're my monster.**_

 _ **My beloved Shizu-chan.'**_

And don't expect me to go into one of those old, cliche rants of how

 **I'm the only one who really loves you.**

Because really, I don't Shizu-chan.

Not anymore.

I just wish you'd see how much you hurt me back then, when you left me for them.

 **Back then,** I'm saying, as if it was **such a long time ago**.

But really it's only been a few months ago.

Before graduation at that.

I bet if you knew what I was thinking, you'd believe that I _actually_ thought my feelings meant something to you. I bet you'd assume I'd dreamt of **'** **us'** every night since you turned me down.

I hate to say it, but you'd be completely right.

I did, so the warmth would continue before I froze with the cold.

Lying alone inside a large room, dark curtains flowing gently in the night air. I imagined they were you; that the blankets wrapped around my form were actually your strong arms.

I made myself believe that you loved me, and that my restless fingers, lingering just a little to long on some certain parts of my body, were your larger, gentle hands.

I'm not going to kill myself over you, don't worry.

You're not worth my life.

I'll just wait until the day, when I'll **finally** be away from you.

Away from this city, away from you, and your face.

But I always end up going back into this city, the city that you claimed to own.

I think my breaking point, the moment I finally gave up, was the only a short month after you told me you _'didn't feel the same'._

That you told me you hated me.

But I saw something else.

It wasn't you that met myself and our small group of friends (that only consisted of Shinra and Kadota) in the Raijin hallways before school.

No, it wasn't you, at least, not exactly you.

But the monster in you.

You were the definition of rage, the cause of which I still don't know, drove you to it, and you wouldn't stop until you got a fight out of me.

In front of everyone.

Did you understand how I felt at all.

But it didn't stop there. You went on and on, yelling things even I wouldn't repeat. You told me you hated me, and when I still gave you no reaction, you tried to punch me.

As if you thought I could even feel it over the pain your words had caused.

 **I'll make my own way without your senseless hate.**

 **So run, and hate me if it feels good Shizu-chan.**

 **Because I'm done with you.**

"Izaya." My head snaps up at the sound. Where have I wander to today.

.. Your voice, I must have imagined it. There's no way Shizu-chan would call me out.

He hasn't even tried to approach me. That's right, it's just my imagination.

"Izaya." No, I still hear him.

"Izaya, wait! Let's talk."

What is this.

Whatever you've come over for is far less than important to me, but I'll listen.

As whatever excuse you making to talk to me.

You'll think I'll hear you out, and you hope I'll be a good sport like that 1% you never think I'm apart of.

I won't be, but I really want you talk to me, but I shouldn't.

You should just go.

Walk away and never come near me again.

But I want that warmth that is currently on my shoulder, trying to stop me.

Your warm hands.

"What?" I asked, and if my voice is harsh and tense, so be it, but if it's as scared and hurt as it sounded, I'm sure to look like an idiot.

In front of this idiot, my pride won't take it. I turn to face him with my arms crossed. "I don't have all day Shizu-chan, get on with it." I wore a face with disinterest and annoyance.

Shizu-chan shuffle his feet, turning his gaze away from me, with a rather light blush dusted on his face.

"I've been thinking about what you said a few months ago," Shizu-chan pauses, as if he thinks I need time to remember.

Like I haven't forgotten.

"And I've realized that I might actually like you too.. I was too harsh on you.. I was confused..I don't know what cam over me..I'm sorry.." He wore a face of regret and pain as he trailed off on his sentence.

I only stare, but I'm not surprised, in a deep part of my heart, I knew you would crawl back to me.

I shouldn't love you back.

I nod, and for a moment, thinking you were going to walk away, but you only bend your knees, bringing yourself to my eye-level. Your face inches closer, and your lips are almost touching my own.

I can feel his breath on my face.

It's warm.

"What took you so long?" I asked, and I almost smiled bitterly.

Your stare leaves mine once more, backing away, and now you're glaring at the ground as if that was your past self.

I should be walking away.

But I'm not.

"..I don't know." Shizu-chan whispers to me.

Of course you don't.

You're sliding closer, trying so hard to get that kiss, but I move my head away.

You don't deserve my lips.

You only stare, confusion written across your handsome features.

But I'm yearning for them on mine.

To feel them, taste them, melt into them.

"You know, " I purred, running a hand over the smooth skin of your face. "I think you might have just waited a little too long to tell me Shizu-chan."

I really shouldn't be with you.

But I can't stay away from you.

And with that, I bring myself forward, grasping your vanilla flavored lips on to my own hungery ones.

I longed for this.

Mixing our flavors together, your's sweet, mine's bitter to make what this moment feels like.

Bittersweet.

Because afterall, love is a word you say loosely.

It's a lie you only spew to lessen someone else's pain.

Isn't that right...

Shizu-chan.

 **I HATE YOU.**

 **the end**

 **idk I wanted to write Izaya angsting because abyss was like 'omg my evil trash man feels' :c**

 **I think it would work better if it was like raijin days to normal working lives timeline.**

 **so like izaya may have confessed or something before grad and then shizuo raged and rejected him**

 **unrequited love angsty stuffs again**

 **sorry not sorry**

 **they "got together" in the end at least**

 **i didn't mean for shizuo to seem like an ass**

 **but last week's episode wanted to make me write**

 **the moody izaya angst**

 **becuz the pole scene was like**

 **gone** **((it killed abyss' heart,** **drink some kappacucumber tea to relax gurl))**

 **feed me crackers (reviews)**

 **if you want more with shizuo's pov on this turn of events, review for that c:**

 **b ai kappalings c:**


End file.
